Oh god… Re-Opened Tumblr
The embarrassment is setting in
Traveling… the only time I feel I can let go and get lost. It’s probably why I crave to drop it all and one day just go, leave. Say goodbye! To finally feel free and weightless. I’m not really sure why but I have never felt that, weightless. I’ve always had the burdens of others. The responsibility to fix it, it’s like they expected it of me. Like I don’t have anything I need to fix for me… I wish, no, more than wish!
Sometimes I imagine. I imagine, what it feels like to have that undying and unconditional love…. (Remember there are people in this world that don’t get those privileges) I know I have more than enough to give someone, but I know I’ll never be able to feel that.
Maybe through loads of therapy… but.. how do you explain/tell a therapist. How do you say, “my parents didn’t show me love. Which made me feel unlovable.. my whole life! How do I come to terms with that?!” Why do I feel like even if when I tell them this they won’t believe me. Because, parents of course love their children, right? Except they dont… Not always… Do I say “they told me themselves?” Even now, I beg myself to understand that they have to have some form of love for me. But that’s the problem… No matter how hard I try and understand… I feel like they don’t.
But it’s not what a baby, a toddler, a child, a kid and now an adult needed to feel ever!!!! All my years, I’m 29 almost 30… All of that time, every day, I woke up feeling unloved by my PARENTS!
It took me this long to get that out of them. It confirmed my worst fear! Me = unlovable!
I’ve carried that everyday.
I carried it into my relationships.
I searched for someone to love me. I never found one. No one who would tell me at least, who would show me. Even now, I’m in a relationship. It’s been just over a year and a half and I know I jumped into it because I thought they would give me that. Tbh they did for a moment. But I’ve learned most people love CONDITIONALLY…
To get it off my chest!
I left my person…. almost 2 yrs ago. I was scared, and I ruined it.
Don’t get me wrong. She didn’t treat me right, not completely. Call me old fashion. But I want my lover/my partner to express their love for me, to tell me and to show it. So I stopped asking at some point and It made me so angry they didn’t notice. But, in my anger I made a hasty decision and ended it when someone else gave me what I wanted.
It’s been almost 2 yrs and I still think of her. I hope I didn’t hurt her, but I can’t help knowing I did because If she was my person, and i did this to her. I don’t deserve her….
And yet.. I long to see her again. I’m blocked, rightfully so. If I wasn’t.. I’m sure, I know I’d disturb the peace she’s built now. But only because I knowww I’m the love she craves and in return it what I have this entire time.
So I’m here trying to make myself feel better about it. Because I miss her and I know I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t but I do! I have no regrets because I’ve learned what I needed to for a healthy relationship… but I can’t help wishing I had learned this all before her.
Fuck! I’m sorry! JR12
Oh god… a place to tell my secrets again… downloading this app is therapeutic and potentially life altering if “they” ever saw it
